EMDR #14: Unlovable

Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We can break the cycle of projecting our problems onto one another as long as we can find understanding towards others and within ourselves…

Recount of Session: July 27th

Last session I was asked to find some things that I was afraid of when it came to the sexual part of a relationship.

As we started discussing these thoughts, I remembered back to my first relationship with the Angel. Halfway through our relationship, I began to feel really unloved. I felt rejected sexually to the point where I no longer felt comfortable trying to engage with her, like I was not good enough, like I didn’t meet expectations, like I was worthless and unlovable. I was reminded of the Easter lily I bought her. She was excited and loved it the day I bought it for her, however she put it on the back porch to get sunlight and that’s where it was forgotten. It slowly began to wilt over time without proper care and nutrition until it couldn’t hold on any longer and it perished. I couldn’t help but feel like that Easter Lily was a metaphor for myself in our relationship; I felt unloved, rejected and uncared for until I wilted away.

My next relationship with the Scientist, I demanded a lot of attention and craved a lot of love and affection that I never got from my previous relationship. Unfortunately she was an extremely busy person and just didn’t have the time to give. We weren’t able to sustain our relationship as I demanded more than she could possibly give and we had to end our relationship. I felt like I was too demanding and it was my fault that this relationship ended which felt like further evidence that I was unlovable.

My therapist speculated that perhaps I demanded love and affection from others because I didn’t love myself and didn’t receive the love I needed as a child and so I was looking for validation that I could be loved from others. The more I can find love for myself, the less demanding I’ll be from my partner in trying to validate that I am lovable, which would ease a lot of the stress I’ve been known to put on relationships of the past.

After thinking about this, we finished this session with one last discussion on the sexual part of a relationship as I determined what it was I was looking for. Sexually, I’m looking for an experience to be more centered around love rather than lust, not to say lust doesn’t have its place, as it drives desire. For me however, I would like to build my relationships on the feelings of love and building a strong bond that will eventually lead to lust and desire rather than having them start on that lust for one another.

The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. My belief is that we hurt each other because we have been hurt ourselves, but if we can heal past our own hurt that ends up causing us to hurt others, we can break the cycle of pain that we have been inflicting on each other for so long.

If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.


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