EMDR #25: Fitting In

Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We can break the cycle of projecting our problems onto one another as long as we can find understanding towards others and within ourselves…

Recount of Session: Nov. 6th

I started off the session with a bit of talk about my heartache over the Duchess however I had been working through and processing those feelings on my own and I wanted to continue working on the stuff that had happened to me in school.

I remembered a specific incident where I was kidnapped by the kid who bullied me in school. I was walking back to class after lunch one day and my bully pulled up with his friend in their truck and he told me to get in. They wanted to go to the store but I said no, I had to get to class. Apparently no wasn’t an answer… He got out of the truck, kneed me in the groin and threw me into the backseat of the truck. I pretty much stopped resisting after that and went along with anything that they said. We went to the store and they thought it would be a funny prank to tie me up, gag me and throw me back into class as if I actually got kidnapped (which I did). I went along with it… They bought a rope and a dog toy with an elastic and some mousetraps (I didn’t know why they did that, but they did). On the way back, they decided it would be funny to set the mousetraps and throw them back at me. Finally we got back to school and they tied me up and gagged me and threw me into the classroom I was supposed to be in and ran. My teacher was furious and also very concerned for me. She wanted to call the cops but I told her it was just a “prank” and I even protected who did it when she asked.

As I recalled this event, I began to feel angry and disrespected as my wishes to not go with them were ignored and I was forced physically into complying with what they wanted. I remember feeling afraid that if I didn’t do the stupid crap that they wanted, I wouldn’t fit in with anyone or be accepted by anyone anymore. I felt ashamed that I didn’t continue standing up to them and just went along with their stupid ideas. I played the role of victim in order to fit in.

My therapist asked if I was put in that situation today, what would I do and I can say without a doubt I would not be going with them and if they physically tried to force me there would most likely be a fight. It made me feel angry even thinking about them trying to pull a stunt like that to me now. My therapist theorized that the reason I allowed them to do this was because my stepdad at home was such an authoritative, intimidating presence to the point where I felt if I said no, and stuck up for myself, it was to be punished. I felt afraid to stick up for myself and that fear still lingers, but the more I stick up for myself, the more comfortable it will become.

Having thoughts about not fitting in with everyone invoked the thoughts of all the friends I had in high school. The ones that I didn’t do stupid things for and they accepted and liked me for who I was, not for what I did. It hit me then, that some people are going to like me for who I am, and some people aren’t going to like me, just as I like some people and there are some people I dislike.

“It’s ok for me to be me, people will like me for me.”

As I had that thought, all of a sudden, I experienced a sensation almost as if I was wax melting. It was not a distressing feeling, almost like a relaxing feeling. When I told my therapist about it she said perhaps it was signifying my fear of acceptance melting away. I closed my eyes again with the thought, ‘it’s ok for me to be me’ and I felt another sensation, as if I was starting to float. When I opened my eyes, this feeling didn’t go away and I needed to plant both feet firmly on the ground and take deep breathes in order to ground myself. When I opened my eyes once again, I felt like I was taller than I was before, a lot taller. My therapist said that the psychological changes I was experiencing can sometimes cause physical discomforts like that. I definitely feel like I’ve changed.

 

The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. My belief is that we hurt each other because we have been hurt ourselves, but if we can heal past our own hurt that ends up causing us to hurt others, we can break the cycle of pain that we have been inflicting on each other for so long.

If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.

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