EMDR #9: Time Bomb

Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We are all flawed and that is what makes us beautiful…

June 5th

After a week of doing the exercises that I was given last session, I had a stronger sense of importance and worth in this world. I felt like I mattered for the first time in a long time however we had to go back into the negative feelings in order to process and overcome them. I started our EMDR sessions continuing to think of my stepdad and how worthless he made me feel.

As I closed my eyes I remembered the times he would confront me with conflict and it felt like no matter how I tried to defend myself, it only seemed to make matters worse. It made me grow afraid of conflict, to the point where I avoided it at all costs. When I was confronted and couldn’t avoid it, my thoughts would shut down and was unable to engage or defend myself. When I was able to think clearly, I felt like my point would be misunderstood and it would only make things worse, so I would bite my tongue.

Then I thought back to when I was searching for a job, I began to feel frustrated that I wasn’t helped and instead told how useless I was in a time when I needed support. My fear and anxiety of being in my own home was growing out of control but I didn’t feel like I could survive anywhere else and so I felt trapped. I remembered how anxious I felt going upstairs to the kitchen to eat, how it felt like a ticking time bomb was about to go off and I needed to get in and out as quick as possible because the more time I spent in the kitchen, the more time I was exposed to possible conflict. Because of this, I developed an uneasy feeling in the kitchen and my cooking skills are few and far between. Eventually I started filling my evenings playing sports and hanging out with friends to avoid being at home in case the time bomb went off.

Most of the arguments that my stepdad brought up were about money. It ruled his life and watching how much he coveted it made me grow to despise and disrespect it. I never wanted money to cause an issue in my life, so I stopped caring about it. I would spend money I never had and lend money to people that I couldn’t afford. I dug myself into a hole because I never cared about money and didn’t want other people to stress out about it.

My therapist assured me that the way my stepdad was acting and treating me was not my fault in the slightest. I didn’t do anything to elicit those responses from him and he was using me as a way to feel powerful due to his own issues. My therapist also told me that money is one of the main tool we use in this world and just like an artisan, we have to take care of our tools in order to have continued success. This made sense to me.

The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. ‘We are all flawed and that’s what makes us beautiful’ This line to me means that we all have issues that we’ve developed and issues that have developed us into who we are. Those developments are what make us different and what make us beautiful, however a lot of these developments have caused us to carry with us negative views and thoughts of ourselves. By allowing ourselves to heal past these negative thoughts and views we can become our true beautiful selves without the burden of negative mental thoughts and feelings.

If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.

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