EMDR #8: Useless

Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We are all flawed and that is what makes us beautiful…

Recount of session: May 30th

We continued on the awakened feeling of worthlessness and disrespect that arose from last session and began EMDR with the thought of my stepdad driving my feelings

As soon as I closed my eyes and let the feelings of worthlessness emerge, I remembered how I felt because of him… I felt so isolated and alone. I could recall multiple occasions that he would make comments about how useless I was, and the worst part is that I believed him. I couldn’t find a job in a tough economy and that made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, like I wasn’t working hard enough, like I was worthless and every one of those feelings were reinforced by my stepdads comments. Eventually it escalated to a feeling of wanting to die and I escaped my own reality through video games, which caused even more turbulence between my step-father and I at home because I tried less and less.

As I continued on through these thoughts and feelings, my valiant consciousness kicked in; It told me that I was worth respect and I was flooded with thoughts of friends and family and memories of when I respected and adored. My consciousness told me that I need to start taking care of myself, that I deserve to take care of myself. I deserve respect and kindness not only from my own self but from others as well. I deserve to take care of myself.

When I told my therapist about these thoughts, I was given a few exercises to ingrain those thoughts into myself. My therapist told me to start each day by staring at myself in a mirror and saying the phrase “I AM GOOD ENOUGH” four times, each time emphasizing each word in the line. This was to convey to myself directly that I was worth something.

The other exercise I was told to do was; each day throughout my interactions, I was to take a mental note of a time when I felt like I was listened to, respected and like I mattered to someone.

After performing these exercises for a few days I had already begun to feel positive results. Taking a mental note of interactions where I felt respected showed me just how much respect I do get from others and how much I am heard. I had only remembered the times that I felt disrespected and wasn’t even aware of the respect most people had shown which was an eye opener. This exercise in combination with the “I AM GOOD ENOUGH” line really instilled a sense of confidence and belonging in me and I urge anyone that has trouble finding worth in themselves to try these out and see how much they can help.

The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. ‘We are all flawed and that’s what makes us beautiful’ This line to me means that we all have issues that we’ve developed and issues that have developed us into who we are. Those developments are what make us different and what make us beautiful, however a lot of these developments have caused us to carry with us negative views and thoughts of ourselves. By allowing ourselves to heal past these negative thoughts and views we can become our true beautiful selves without the burden of negative mental thoughts and feelings.

If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.

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