Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We are all flawed and that is what makes us beautiful…
Recount of session: May 23rd
We had just finished burying my Grandpa and I was driving back home with my family, however on the ride home, an event took place that made me feel very disrespected.
We started our EMDR there. As I closed my eyes, I recounted what had happened. My mother had lit a smoke in the car and didn’t roll down her window. When she blew out her smoke, it came straight back into my face. I told her to roll down her window because I didn’t particularly enjoy inhaling the smoke however she just laughed it off and didn’t do a thing. My sister who was sitting in the car backed me up and told her to give me a break and roll it down a bit but still she refused to. I asked one more time and still nothing. I felt so frustrated from that I was fuming.
My therapist told me that when you start to set boundaries, you will usually be met with resistance. In the past I wouldn’t have said anything and silently suffered however now that I had a voice, it was probably perceived as threatening.
I cannot control another person’s actions however I can control my own. My therapist suggested that next time something like that happens, that I should do something drastic to make it known I’m not joking, she said I should have asked to get out of the car and taken the bus the rest of the way which seemed a little crazy however it would get the point across.
I was asked to go back into that disrespected feeling to continue exploring it. I closed my eyes and thought about how I felt like my feelings and thoughts didn’t matter and thoughts of my stepdad took over. I thought about how worthless I felt in his eyes, like I was nothing but a disappointment. I got dizzy remembering this and had to open my eyes.
The feeling of disrespect I had when I was with my family was a parallel of how my stepdad made me feel and it resurfaced on that trip.
This worthless feeling was a strong emotion starting to take over which we had to nip at the bud to be addressed when there was more time.
The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. ‘We are all flawed and that’s what makes us beautiful’ This line to me means that we all have issues that we’ve developed and issues that have developed us into who we are. Those developments are what make us different and what make us beautiful, however a lot of these developments have caused us to carry with us negative views and thoughts of ourselves. By allowing ourselves to heal past these negative thoughts and views we can become our true beautiful selves without the burden of negative mental thoughts and feelings.
If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.