EMDR #5: Wrong

Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We are all flawed and that is what makes us beautiful…

Recount of session: May 9th

I was hosting an banquet for my bowling league and during the event my wallet was stolen. We searched the entire hall with no luck finding it. I felt quite disheartened not just because I felt like everyone there was trustworthy but also because this meant I had to take the steps needed to get everything I lost back and thinking about that gave me anxiety. We decided to start this session on that feeling and try to pinpoint why I felt that way.

At first I felt afraid, I was afraid that it was going to be embarrassing having to recover all my stolen things, honestly, I felt stupid, I felt afraid, I felt worthless. My therapist wanted to explore that feeling of fear for having to do something very basic. I closed my eyes and fell back into that uncomfortable feeling and continued with the base thought “I’m worthless.” I recalled many times that I avoided doing basic tasks because I was afraid I’d screw it up in front of someone and thoughts of my youth flooded in. I remembered my mother doing a lot of things for me because if I did something on my own, she would quickly take over or asked me why I’m doing something a certain way as if how I did things were wrong. I realised I did not like doing basic tasks when others were around or asking others for help because I felt like they would see and tell me I’m doing it wrong, or take over and do it for me like my mom used to when I was a child.

I opened my eyes and told my therapist these thoughts. I was taught that the way I did things were not wrong, they were just done differently, they were done the way that I learned how to do them. I can take advice from others if I want to but I was not performing basic tasks incorrectly. My therapist also made it seem so simple, if I ever feel like I don’t know something simple or am not sure about something when another person was around, I can ask instead of doing nothing and feeling frustrated.

My therapist detected that there was more than just the feeling of doing things wrong that was bothering me in regards to recovering my lost items. I also felt like I didn’t have the time to do the things I needed to do.

I always find myself doing so much that I don’t set enough time to take care of myself. I was afraid to say no to people however my therapist taught me that rescheduling and setting aside time to get my affairs in order was not saying no, it was respecting myself enough to get my life together and anyone that didn’t understand that, I should reconsider spending time with them anyways.

To start believing that the things I felt I was doing wrong, I wasn’t doing wrong at all and was just doing things the ways I learned how to do them was a huge step forward in my confidence. I felt like even though I might be corrected on how I do things, I don’t need to feel embarrassed or ashamed of my actions anymore because I was not wrong, I was just different. I felt like asking questions made so much sense that I almost felt stupid for not thinking of it first, but again, I was just doing things differently and taking any advice is up to me.

The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. ‘We are all flawed and that’s what makes us beautiful’ This line to me means that we all have issues that we have developed and issues that we’ve had have developed us into who we are. Those developments are what makes us different and what make us beautiful however a lot of thee developments have caused us to carry with us negative views and thoughts of ourselves. By allowing ourselves to heal past these negative thoughts and views we can become our true beautiful selves without the burden of negative mental thoughts and feelings. 

If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.

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