Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We are all flawed and that is what makes us beautiful…
Recount of session: May 2
We started off talking about my father and where he had been. I told my therapist that we really didn’t talk that much, maybe once every couple months just to catch up. There were feelings of neglect and abandonment present when it came to thinking about my father and we set up to do some EMDR about those feelings.
When asked to think of a memory with my father I was very hard pressed to think of one. Finally I remembered a time when he got mad at me for being too loud with my friends at night and waking him. It made me feel a sense of shame, but then suddenly I remembered back when I was a child playing baseball and he was my coach. We were in little league playoffs and I hit a double to score the game winning runs. I was in tears of joy and I remember running to my dad and giving him a really big hug.
My therapist told me that for my dad to be a coach for my baseball team was a pretty big responsibility and gesture to how much he cared for me. He was never really an affectionate person and by committing his time to me, he was trying to show me that he loved me in a different way, a way I didn’t understand back then, but in this moment, I finally did.
Looking back at most of my life’s major events, my dad has always made an effort to support me and be there for me. My eyes filled with tears as I felt that there has always been a strong sense of pride from my father for me, I just hadn’t bothered to notice it until now. I thought about all the attempts he made to spend time with me and how I was always the one to cancel. I realized that when someone gets rejected enough, they will stop trying in order to protect their own emotions. My father tried to show his love for me in the best way he knew how, I just was unable to see that. Suddenly I was overcome with a feeling of guilt. I never really tried to spend time with him and I felt horrible for it. My therapist told me that guilt can be remedied by action.
We closed the EMDR sessions with thoughts of my father’s love and pride in me and I cried with tears of relief. I had gone through my life believing I was a disappointment and I had finally felt in myself the pride that only a father can give to his child.
The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. ‘We are all flawed and that’s what makes us beautiful’ This line to me means that we all have issues that we’ve developed and issues that have developed us into who we are. Those developments are what make us different and what make us beautiful, however a lot of these developments have caused us to carry with us negative views and thoughts of ourselves. By allowing ourselves to heal past these negative thoughts and views we can become our true beautiful selves without the burden of negative mental thoughts and feelings.
If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.