Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We can break the cycle of projecting our problems onto one another as long as we can find understanding towards others and within ourselves…
Recount of Session: Dec. 5
I had met up with the Duchess for the first time since I had conducted both parts of my experiment and things went well. I was anxious prior to meeting her but once we met up it was almost like the feelings I had developed over time were gone and we had gone back to being good friends.
We started EMDR again on the subject of my stepfather. I remembered again, him yelling at my mother and the tension I had felt hearing everything. I felt so powerless to help despite my desire to be defensive and internally I was very conflicted. I then remembered when I would go to the kitchen to get food, how tense it felt. I would look through the cupboards and fridge neurotically over and over as if checking the same cupboard multiple times would yield different results but as I delved deeper into my own psyche I realized that looking through these cupboards, I wasn’t looking for food to magically appear, I was subconsciously looking for a way out. I was hopeless and lost and I felt trapped to the point that I was looking for a way out of the situation anywhere I could, including the cupboards of my own kitchen.
I also thought back to those times and I remember many of my friends offering me a way out but I never took it, because I was convinced I wasn’t good enough to make it on my own in the world and I was afraid to change, I was afraid to try.
I remembered growing up, I never felt comfortable in my kitchen. When I would go to it, I would get food as quickly as possible to avoid the length of time I was exposed to the possibility of my stepdad confronting me. I tried to be out of sight, out of mind and because of this, I never developed confidence in my ability to cook. I felt afraid to try something that I had lack of experience and knowledge of. I then remembered that in my past, we used to hold iron chef competitions with a group of friends and I was always pretty good at coming up with creative dishes and I did cook some pretty amazing things that seemed to be enjoyed by the judges enough to win one competition and come in second in another. But still I was still afraid to cook on my own because in those competitions, I had a team to help out with ideas and cooking procedure.
I then had a moment of clarity; my roommates are both great cooks and I should never be afraid to ask them for help or support, and then images of myself cooking a meal appeared in my head. The uncomfortable feeling of being in the kitchen and feeling trapped seemed to disappear and I felt pretty confident that even though cooking is something that I don’t have much experience or knowledge with, it’s not something that I will be bad at and the more I do it, the better I will become and I should embrace that because I AM GOOD ENOUGH.
The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. My belief is that we hurt each other because we have been hurt ourselves, but if we can heal past our own hurt that ends up causing us to hurt others, we can break the cycle of pain that we have been inflicting on each other for so long.
If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.