Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We can break the cycle of projecting our problems onto one another as long as we can find understanding towards others and within ourselves…
Recount of Session: Nov. 28
I had run the second part of my experiment that I had started for getting over the Duchess and discussed what results I had taken from it. My sister had also moved to another country and I was feeling a little sad because I knew I was going to miss her a lot. I felt a little emotionally worn out but I wanted to continue processing what had happened and how I have felt due to my stepdad’s actions in my life.
We started EMDR on the feelings of insignificance that I felt in his presence. As I felt these emotions, I started to feel disappointment in him for the way he treated me and my mother. I began to wonder what made him like that, what things he must’ve gone through and getting frustrated as to why he would treat us like that.
I then remembered a job that I had for a brief amount of time and how at that job, my coworkers made me feel rejected and not good enough to be there. Remembering those feelings of rejection made my chest feel tight and it reminded me of how I felt at home for a long time. I was only at that job for a few weeks because they decided to let me go, which was a slight relief because I dreaded going to the job but it was also very frustrating and I felt like a failure. My coworkers were very distant and there was very little communication of what was expected of me and what I was supposed to be doing and when I asked, I was made to feel like a burden. This paralleled with how my stepdad made me feel and I felt frustrated again. My therapist told me that I don’t need to logically think my way out of these emotions, that I should just sit in the emotion and feel it, process it, let it run it’s course. So I sat in the frustration that I had from everything, my shoulders extremely tense, my breathing shallow, my chest tight as my mind replayed life at home, that job I had briefly and other things that I was so frustrated about and suddenly my conscious spoke
“It’s not mine.”
I’m not sure where that came from, but I thought about that for a while. This frustration I was holding on to, that I felt towards so many things in my life, it wasn’t mine, it was not something I should keep in my life and it’s not something I should hold on to.
I told my therapist about what popped into my head and I was told that my brain constantly looks for ways to logically figure out my emotions, but sometimes I need to turn off my brain and just feel my feelings and let them process.
I felt less angry after that phrase “it’s not mine” popped into my head but I still felt that the memories I had such as that brief job, made me feel like I was not good enough. My therapist wanted me to repeat an exercise I did a while back where I look in a mirror and tell myself ” I AM GOOD ENOUGH” four times, each time emphasizing a different word to reinforce that thought.
The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. My belief is that we hurt each other because we have been hurt ourselves, but if we can heal past our own hurt that ends up causing us to hurt others, we can break the cycle of pain that we have been inflicting on each other for so long.
If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.