EMDR #27: Poison

Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We can break the cycle of projecting our problems onto one another as long as we can find understanding towards others and within ourselves…

Recount of Session: Nov. 20

We started this session by diving straight into EMDR with thoughts of my stepdad leading the charge.

I recalled one of the times him and my mother were fighting and he was yelling down the stairs trying to put my mother down and bringing me into his insults to get under her skin. I recall him yelling “You’re useless just like your useless cunt of a son.”

Thinking back to that time, I remember the helplessness I felt and how afraid I felt because I believed him. It created a complex where I was afraid to ask for help, I was afraid to stand up for myself and I was afraid to even get noticed because most of the attention I received was negative. I remember feeling that no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I was not good enough. I was unsure of myself and my own abilities and that uncertainty in myself made me feel useless.

I was then filled with anger by all the feelings that I went through back then. I was angry that I felt like I wasn’t good enough because of the way he treated me, I was angry that I felt so afraid to take chances, stand up for myself and do anything positive in my life because he put me down so much, I was angry that he called my mother and I “useless” but it is nice to see that once we got rid of the poison that he was in our lives, we both grew and thrived so much, I was angry by the many years of my life that I felt repressed and held back from my potential because of the way he treated me.

And suddenly all of that anger turned into disappointment that he wasn’t a better father figure to me because I turned out fine once he was out of my life.

 

The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. My belief is that we hurt each other because we have been hurt ourselves, but if we can heal past our own hurt that ends up causing us to hurt others, we can break the cycle of pain that we have been inflicting on each other for so long.

If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.

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