Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We can break the cycle of projecting our problems onto one another as long as we can find understanding towards others and within ourselves…
Recount of Session: Nov. 16
I was still being tormented by feelings of longing for the Duchess and I decided to try an experiment to help myself to get over her. I discussed with my therapist, the results of my experiment and my therapist was impressed with what I had put myself through and was quite interested in the coming results.
We started EMDR by going back to my school days again.
I began thinking about school starting at a time that I remembered when I got locked in a locker in grade 7 by my bully. As I remembered this, suddenly I saw a much younger version of myself in the past, at around age four, sitting on our old couch, alone, while my parents were taking care of my baby sister and older brother. I felt like I remembered what I was going through back then, feeling very alone and unnoticed. As I saw myself in the past, alone and left to my own devices, I began to think of all my friends that I’ve made over the years and how alone I’ve still feel despite the many great people surrounding me.
As I told my therapist about these feelings, I was told that the feeling of loneliness, despite being surrounded by others, stems from the lack of closeness and intimacy that goes beyond friendship. I was not receiving this intimate closeness from my friends and I lacked that closeness from my parents as a child and so when I find someone whom I can be close with, as I did with the Duchess, I develop an attachment. This certainly explained why I felt the way I did at the time.
I’ve been looking for someone which I can have a closeness with that goes beyond friendship, however I tried to find this closeness with someone who only wanted a friendship and the failure to set boundaries resulted in the feeling of heartache. Now that I knew what it was that I was longing for, and the reason I’ve felt so alone for all this time, perhaps I can appreciate more what I have around me and refine my search and expectations when it comes to finding the closeness I’m looking for.
The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. My belief is that we hurt each other because we have been hurt ourselves, but if we can heal past our own hurt that ends up causing us to hurt others, we can break the cycle of pain that we have been inflicting on each other for so long.
If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.