Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We are all flawed and that is what makes us beautiful…
Recount of session: April 12th
Continuing on with the feeling of worthlessness, I had a week to reflect on my last session. I had thought about where this worthless feeling had come from. I had a few ideas to start with but once I started on my EMDR session, I just let my thoughts take over.
My first feeling when I close my eyes and thought to myself “I am worthless” was “I am ugly.” I see myself with scars from acne, a chubby gut and I don’t like my face… As I let that train of thought run, I also recalled the incident on the bus where a random girl called me ugly (read Unattractive for the full story).
I opened my eyes and told my therapist my first thoughts. My therapist told me that people are usually their own harshest critics and that I wasn’t ugly at all, which many people have said to me, but this was the feeling I had.
I closed my eyes and continued on the thought of myself feeling ugly. There are times I look at myself and I don’t necessarily think I’m ugly, however I’ve never felt as thought I was desired romantically, sexually, or any way pertaining to a relationship and because of that lack of desirability, I formed the belief that I was ugly. Even when I was in relationships I never felt like I was desired and even if I was told I was, I didn’t believe it. I felt like there was no supporting evidence, like any desire anyone had for me, I had to convince them of it and it wasn’t naturally there.
I opened my eyes and told my therapist of these thoughts and I was told that there was obviously desire for someone to be in a relationship at all. I had come around to the two main issues again; I am not worthy, and I am unlovable.
I was to close my eyes again and explore that feeling of undesirability. With the thoughts of relationships in mind, my first thought was that my expectations on myself are very high and when I don’t meet my own expectations, I’ve let others down. In my relationships I’ve tried to be perfect. I’ve tried to fix any problem, while keeping mine to myself. I’ve tried to be too many places at once without showing any wear or tear for how much I was trying to do and when I made any mistakes, I took it out on myself. My subconscious then spoke out “Forgive yourself.” My thoughts paused for a second and I consciously thought “I’m only human, no one is perfect.”
I then opened my eyes and told my therapist about that string of thoughts. I was told that the voice of my subconscious was trying to protect me from the emotional pain I feel but I need to continue recalling those horrible feelings and work through the pain but to keep in mind the messages my subconscious was sending.
I closed my eyes again, this time with the thought of feeling unlovable and like I let people down. Memories of my first princess (from 5 princesses), the angel popped up. She was the first person that ever showed interest in me and I felt that once I was no longer needed, I was discarded; I was useless; I was worthless. My emotion then turned to fear. I felt afraid to be in a relationship like that again, feeling like I was not good enough, and once my use was up, I was no longer worthy to be loved or desired.
After telling my therapist these feelings, it was evident that I was seeking out relationships where I would feel needed. I was always seeking out to be a hero and fix someone else’s problems because I didn’t want to deal with my own. I needed to become a complete person with myself and find another person who was complete and share a few overlapping interests but still be able to have our own individuality instead of reliance.
My therapist gave me one last lesson as well in regards to romantic relationships. Stop trying to strive to reach others’ expectations, find someone that reaches yours.
The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. ‘We are all flawed and that’s what makes us beautiful’ This line to me means that we all have issues that we’ve developed and issues that have developed us into who we are. Those developments are what make us different and what make us beautiful, however a lot of these developments have caused us to carry with us negative views and thoughts of ourselves. By allowing ourselves to heal past these negative thoughts and views we can become our true beautiful selves without the burden of negative mental thoughts and feelings.
If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.