EMDR #11: Helpless

Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We are all flawed and that is what makes us beautiful…

Recount of Session: June 19th

This past week I was offered a job for another company which had both advantages and disadvantages and I was very conflicted with what I should do. If I took the new job, I had an employer that I felt I could get places with, whereas at my current job, I had been passed up for something I thought I deserved. I felt helpless at work because no matter how hard I worked and how much I fought, the decision to promote me or move me up was not up to me.

As I thought about this, thoughts of my stepdad came up and how helpless I felt in the situations when he confronted me. When I’m placed in a position where what happens to me is determined by others, I feel very uneasy. My therapist told me that there are going to be many times where I’m going to feel like I don’t have control of a situation directly, however there are always going to be choices for me which meant I did have some level of control. Yes I didn’t get a promotion at my current job, but I have the control to leave that job for something if I choose to. I didn’t have control over how my stepdad treated me, but I did have control over where I lived, or how I reacted. Back then I didn’t see those options, and honestly how could I? I felt so trapped, like I had no options, but of course hind-sight is 20/20 and I know that if I had more confidence, I would have definitely taken more control of that situation over my life.

After discussing these feelings a bit with my therapist, I was told to go back into that helplessness I felt from not having control over what happened to me at work. I thought about leaving my current employer and felt sadness and also disappointment in them for not seeing my worth. I didn’t feel valued by them and I felt sad for the clients within our organization that I might leave behind because the people that have control over what happens to me, failed to see my value. I felt frustrated that I’ve been held back, and I almost felt like I was purposely being kept in a limited role. When discussing my frustrations with HR, I was called a millennial for wanting more than what I have. This at first, shocked me, but as time went on, it made me angry, which my therapist said was justifiable. I pour my heart and soul into the work that I do, and to have ambition to move forward is a good thing.

I still hadn’t decided on what job I should take, but I did decide that I would keep moving forward and continue to grow regardless of what happens, which makes no decision a wrong decision. I felt like I knew a bit more of my own worth which helped in moving forward. I no longer felt helpless by the decisions of others; I will always have choices, which means, I do have control.

The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. ‘We are all flawed and that’s what makes us beautiful’ This line to me means that we all have issues that we’ve developed and issues that have developed us into who we are. Those developments are what make us different and what make us beautiful, however a lot of these developments have caused us to carry with us negative views and thoughts of ourselves. By allowing ourselves to heal past these negative thoughts and views we can become our true beautiful selves without the burden of negative mental thoughts and feelings.

If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.


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