EMDR #10: Unchosen

Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We are all flawed and that is what makes us beautiful…

Recount of session: June 12th

The Duchess had begun seeing someone romantically and I was feeling very saddened and jealous. I felt lonely as I had developed some sort of feelings for her and those feelings were not mutual. I began to compare myself to the person she was seeing and I felt inferior. “He was much more attractive than me” were my thoughts, and I began to feel ugly again.

I began to recall my past relationships with the princesses I had feelings for and how I never felt like I was chosen. I always felt like I had to work to convince the person to choose me, like I wasn’t their first choice and most of the time I was passed up for someone else. I felt like I was attracted to the wrong people.

My therapist told me in regards to the Duchess that I was allowed to grieve and feel lonely, not only did I have a deeper set of feelings that went beyond friendship, I was also losing the time that we had in that friendship and that the dynamic would change. Someone I spent a large portion of time with, might not be so available anymore.

Every relationship has a lesson attached to it and whether it was a painful separation or an amicable one, its important to receive that lesson. The angel taught me that hopeful optimism was not enough without action and working towards something. The Sun taught me that its okay to love even if it hurts. The scientist taught me that although it is nice to dream of the future, you can’t lose yourself too far in the future without addressing and embracing the present. True love taught me what it means to love, and what it means to give something that you love up in order to be okay. The alternate ending taught me that I needed to discover myself and appreciate who I was as she had done. And the Duchess taught me what it is to have a best friend that you love and share companionship with. She helped me narrow down what it is that I was looking for in a partner.

The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. ‘We are all flawed and that’s what makes us beautiful’ This line to me means that we all have issues that we’ve developed and issues that have developed us into who we are. Those developments are what make us different and what make us beautiful, however a lot of these developments have caused us to carry with us negative views and thoughts of ourselves. By allowing ourselves to heal past these negative thoughts and views we can become our true beautiful selves without the burden of negative mental thoughts and feelings.

If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.

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