In my Therapy we use a technique called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). Basically we introduce a Stimuli that causes the brain to process traumatic events so I can move past them instead of repressing and re-feeling them when a similar event takes place. For me, I’m more of an auditory\sensory person so I used a headset that pings in each of my ears and a buzzer in each of my hands that alternate at a steady pace. Then I close my eyes and recount a feeling, emotion or memory that I’ve had and somehow I process through it, as you will read.
I’m going to be revealing a lot about my own thoughts and emotions throughout recounting my sessions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted or felt the way that I did whenever something took place.
We are all flawed and that is what makes us beautiful…
Recount of session: April 4th
My second session at my therapist, we started our first session of EMDR. I put on some headphones and held a few small buzzers in each hand and plugged them into a small machine. Basically my therapist told me to close my eyes when I’m ready and just tell me how I feel about myself and my life, and every 30 seconds or so, open my eyes and tell her my thoughts and feelings… simple. I closed my eyes and these were my thoughts.
At first I wasn’t sure what I should think about, so I asked myself, in my consciousness, how do I feel… And I don’t know if it was the pings in my ears and the buzzing or my subconscious but I got a response…”Worthless.” And then the thoughts started pouring out.
“Why do I feel that?”
“Because nothing I do is right. I’m misunderstood often, and I feel like nobody tries to understand me… I’m not worth understanding.”
I opened my eyes and told my therapist these thoughts. She told me most issues people have all boil down to two key thoughts “I’m worthless” and “I’m unlovable.” Made sense to me, as I felt those two thoughts pretty heavily. She told me to go back into those worthless feelings and let my mind continue it’s processing. I close my eyes again.
I told myself consciously “I’m worthless, I’m not worth being understood” and my mind continued on.
“Nobody tries to understand me… Why? Why is the effort not there? Maybe people don’t try to understand me because whatever I have to say or feel isn’t important. I feel so ignored, I feel so unimportant.”
I opened my eyes again and relayed that to my therapist, took a breathe and continued with that thought.
“I’m so ignored, I feel so unimportant.” Then an emotion flared up, my shoulders got tense and I felt angry. I felt so frustrated.
“What I say IS important, so why do people ignore me? Why are people the way they are, why is this world like this?” I felt contempt for everything, and opened my eyes.
Again I relayed these thoughts and feelings to my therapist and she told me to go back into those emotions and continue on the thought that I’m unimportant.
The anger was able to subside before I went back into it and I continued with the thought that I was unimportant.
“I’m unimportant, nothing I do matters.” Then I started thinking about people that I’ve hurt in my life, by not being there or disappointing them and thought, “I’m not worthy of having anything good in my life” I continued reflecting on these people and the thought that I hurt them, when another voice popped in my head and said “NO, this is wrong, it’s not your fault…” I suddenly recalled the times I was there to help these people, and I realized the times I thought I had hurt these people by not being there, or disappointing them, was not me hurting them. I wasn’t there because I had other things I was doing. I’ve been there more than most people would have and it was not my fault for their hurt. “It is not my fault.”
I opened my eyes and told my therapist about this, and she told me to continue with that positive thought and to really feel that emotion.
I closed my eyes again and thought about the people in my life that have made an effort to understand me. I felt a sense of love and nurturing inside myself, and I felt like maybe I was understood. And then I felt something in the pit of my stomach, I felt afraid.
“What if I don’t live up to their expectations? What if I hurt the people I care for? What if I lose them. I started to feel immense sadness.
“I’m afraid I’ll end up being alone and misunderstood.” A subconscious voice came back
“I am alone and misunderstood, I always have been alone and misunderstood, I’ve always felt alone and misunderstood.” “I just want someone that loves me as much as I know I can love.” tears started pouring down my face. I opened my eyes.
It’s funny to think of what my therapist sees, she tells me to focus on a good thought, probably sees me feeling a bit of bliss, than something happens and all of a sudden I’m bawling my eyes out. Anyways.
My therapist told me to go back again into the feeling of losing everyone and being alone and misunderstood. I close my eyes in this session one last time.
“I’m afraid to be alone.”
“I don’t need to be afraid of that, even if I lose everyone around me, I still have my own self… I love myself, I am funny, intelligent, kind and wonderful, and even though I am not perfect, I am worthy of my own love.”
I opened my eyes feeling lighter and brighter. I told my therapist what thoughts just emerged and she decided to stop on that note and to continue my day with that feeling.
I am not perfect, but I am worthy of my own love.
The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. ‘We are all flawed and that’s what makes us beautiful’ This line to me means that we all have issues that we’ve developed and issues that have developed us into who we are. Those developments are what make us different and what make us beautiful, however a lot of these developments have caused us to carry with us negative views and thoughts of ourselves. By allowing ourselves to heal past these negative thoughts and views we can become our true beautiful selves without the burden of negative mental thoughts and feelings.
If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.