EMDR #23: Down and Out

Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We can break the cycle of projecting our problems onto one another as long as we can find understanding towards others and within ourselves…

Recount of Session: Oct. 24th

I had an “interview” for a position I had applied for internally, or at least I thought it was going to be an interview. It was scheduled through HR with the hiring manager however when I got into the room for the interview, the manager came in, shut the door and told me that this was not going to be an interview and that I was not qualified for the position. Of course I was disappointed by all of this but he at least wanted to discuss with me what I needed to do to get there. I was frustrated that I wasn’t just told it wasn’t an interview which would have saved me a lot of time and sleep preparing for it, but there was nothing that could be done to change that.

The Duchess had also quit her job and I was feeling sad and alone from this sudden change. I was already feeling heartbroken from the fact that she now had a boyfriend she spent most her time with now, but now I no would no longer work with her. I went from ordinary daily contact, to forced contact when we had time. My heart hurt quite badly because it felt like we were in a sort of relationship just without the intimate association, and suddenly she was seeing someone else. My therapist put it as an artificial or pseudo relationship. We were more than friends, but we weren’t fulfilling the intimate needs a relationship has, but we were safe in it because there was not the risk that is associated with more intimacy.

My therapist and I discussed more about relationships and the fears I have of getting into one. I feel afraid that I might not be able to set the appropriate boundaries with someone and either feel trapped with someone that might not be right for me, or end up being hurt again. I was challenged by my therapist, when I am ready and feeling like I’m over the heartbreak of Duchess, to go out on a few dates and practice setting up boundaries. The only way I will get good at it, is by practicing and who knows I might meet someone along the way.

My manager and I also sat down and talked about my future. We discussed what happened with the “interview” and if that job is something that I actually wanted to do. I told him that I want to get into psychology and he helped me set some goals and see some steps I could take in order to get to those goals.

I also discussed with my therapist about the 5 love languages and that I tend to lead with touch. My therapist had told me a story in a much earlier session about an older gentleman that had lost his wife to cancer. He had grown very lonely and deprived of contact as his wife was no longer there to provide him with the touch that she always had and after my therapist’s recommendation for him to see a massage therapist, his mood had improved dramatically. I had begun seeing a massage therapist as well and having that touch in my life had been a very soothing force in dealing with stress and anxiety.

 

The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. My belief is that we hurt each other because we have been hurt ourselves, but if we can heal past our own hurt that ends up causing us to hurt others, we can break the cycle of pain that we have been inflicting on each other for so long.

If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.

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