EMDR #20: An Exhausted Victim

Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We can break the cycle of projecting our problems onto one another as long as we can find understanding towards others and within ourselves…

Recount of Session: Sept 19th

My car was still not working and I was still giving myself no time to try to fix it. I was competing in something called the corporate challenge which has a large amount of companies compete with each other in a variety of sports and activity to see which companies have the greatest competitors. It’s pretty much like Olympics for the companies of my city. Of course I signed up for every single thing I could and of course it was wearing down on me pretty hard. With not setting aside time to fix my car, I was already stressed and to make matters worse, the Duchess was afraid she was about to lose her job so I tried to help her out by asking a friend to help her out with a possible application. This backfired as I got too involved in the process and the Duchess got extremely angry at me. I guess it’s true; the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I felt like no matter what I tried to do to help others, and to help myself, I was bound to fail which made me so frustrated. Everything compounding together was making problems I hadn’t noticed, really take hold and upset me. I started to get really bothered by some of my companies practices and policies in the way they treat their employees. I felt downright disgusted by the unethical treatment of some managers to their employees and I felt a hint of regret from choosing to stay here. Ultimately I felt exhausted from all the challenges I was facing, and from seeing all the challenges other people had to face, I just wished for a break for everyone. My therapist already knew that I knew what was going to be said. “Take some time to yourself.” “Stop doing so much.” “Say ‘No.’” I was almost finished with the corporate challenge and I had a vacation booked with a friend afterwards so that felt like the light at the end of the tunnel.

I wanted to continue working on the Pandora ’s Box that had opened up last week in regards to my school years and so we went into that despite my exhaustion.

Thinking about getting bullied at school, I suddenly remembered when I moved from elementary school (1-6) into junior high (7-9), I had been separated from all my friends and I felt alone. I remembered that in grade 7, as I was feeling this loneliness in my new classes, my parents ended up getting a divorce and I felt even more isolated. It was around that time that I started getting picked on and I took the role of playing the victim. Becoming the victim was the only way I knew how to fit in then, to be a part of society, and it gave me an inferiority complex. Even though I had found a place in society, albeit a victim, I still felt lonely as ever and that loneliness has built in me for so long that a part of it probably still carries with me. I thought back and saw the young child that I was and I felt so sorry that he had to go through all of this loneliness.

I grew up a victim and it made me feel like I was a victim of life which is probably why when challenges arise such as my car breaking down, I feel so defeated. The only victim I am now, is a victim to the thought that I am a victim. Now that this was apparent to me, I could work on breaking free from that cycle.

The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. My belief is that we hurt each other because we have been hurt ourselves, but if we can heal past our own hurt that ends up causing us to hurt others, we can break the cycle of pain that we have been inflicting on each other for so long.

If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.

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