Throughout recounting these sessions, I reveal a lot about my own thoughts and emotions, and I’d like to remind anyone that reads these, that these are my own thoughts and the ways I interpreted things that happened in my life. It is no fault of anyone else that I reacted, felt the way that I did or thought a certain way whenever something took place.
We can break the cycle of projecting our problems onto one another as long as we can find understanding towards others and within ourselves…
Recount of Session: August 31st
It had been a rough week for me. My car had broken down with a fuel pump issue, The Duchess had Juniper Poisoning and needed to go to the hospital, and my water tank had burst and I was left to clean it all up. I felt so frustrated by everything happening that I ended up having my first panic attack after my soccer game.
It felt like I was taking on too much and worrying so much about others that I ended up having a meltdown. My car broke down, and I know that it was not my fault that it broke as it was older and had many issues, however I felt like I was a failure because I couldn’t fix it after many attempts. It felt like I wasn’t good enough to fix it or maybe that I didn’t know what I was doing and I could sense a fear associated with the thought of failing. I was afraid to fail. As I went into EMDR with these thoughts, my consciousness as it had done so many times now, surfaced with some thoughts. “It’s okay if you fail at fixing this. That is why there are professionals that have extensive knowledge and deal with this type of stuff. I can always ask for help… I can always ask for help.” Thanks brain.
The Duchess ended up calling me on the same day that my hot water tank burst in the house I was living in. She was in a distressingly sick state and I left work early to bring her to the hospital. She was taken into emergency care and for 2 hours I waited anxiously to hear from anyone. My anxious mind obviously thought of the millions of horrible ways this could’ve ended, but luckily someone finally came to get me and told me she was doing well and needed to rest. We stayed in the hospital for quite a while as they did tests and made sure she was good to leave.
The next day, I had a soccer game after work and I was in an already poor mood from everything prior happening and the soccer team decided to have an unsportsmanlike game. I did not have a fun time as I was yelled at by my own teammate and during halftime I had to speak up get them to calm down because it was starting to get aggressive. Afterwards our team was out for some food and I was not feeling well enough to make it all the way home, so I asked the Duchess if I could stay at her place for the night. On the way there, I started to hyperventilate, my hands went completely numb and about a block away from the Duchesses apartment, I started getting really dizzy and I could feel my consciousness slipping, I thought I was about to die, but it turns out, it was just my first panic attack in my life. I was able to lag my way up to her apartment and laid down to calm myself.
After talking with my therapist about these events and reflecting on my day to day life, it started to become apparent to me that I do too much for others, and I don’t take anytime for myself. I felt overly frustrated that my car had broken down because any alone time I would normally have would now have to be spent on trying to fix my car and that was a major frustration for me. I’m introverted and I need some time to myself to recharge and I am allowed to say “no” to others in order to get that time. It is not wrong for me to choose how I spend my time even if it disappoints someone else.
The goal of sharing my story is to raise awareness of mental health problems that all of us experience and to break the stigma surrounding mental health. My belief is that we hurt each other because we have been hurt ourselves, but if we can heal past our own hurt that ends up causing us to hurt others, we can break the cycle of pain that we have been inflicting on each other for so long.
If you are looking for a start in your own journey of self healing, the best way to start is by talking to someone: If you are in Alberta there is a mental health helpline found at http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/amh/amh.aspx or in the US, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/finding-help. Usually a quick google search for help in your location will bring up a toll free number you can call. I also have a friend that practices hypnotherapy and has an affordable pay model for anyone seeking help. here is a link to his website, Healing Self. And if you’d like to contact me personally for any help or direction, you can use my contact page to reach out and I will keep anything confidential (aside from if you’re planning to commit a crime) and help to the best of my abilities.