Hypothesis: By writing out memories that I had with someone I loved and listing everything I liked about the person then following it up with all the moments and things that I could think would have made the relationship not viable or unbearable, I could process my the emotions I had and see the good things I was looking for in a person and logically understand why things did and would not work out.
Objective: To process the memories and longing that bring the feeling of heartache
Procedure: Start by remembering all the good memories you have with the other person. All the moments that you longed for them or felt some sort of positive emotion for them. Then list all the things you miss about them. Then remember all the bad memories you have with the person and all the negative feelings and emotions that they may have caused. Then list all the traits or things that the person did that made a successful relationship unlikely.
Here is what I wrote about:
As soon as I started remembering the good memories there were a few bad memories that were mixed in, but I tried not to let my mind wander into any negativity and only focused on the good things at first.
I started by remembering how she took interest in my hobbies and how we would adventure to new places and try new things together. I remembered how much fun we had together and how fun of a person she was and how much she made me laugh. I remembered how on really bad days, she would hug me back together and everything felt right again. Then I started listing a bunch of activities that I missed, such as watching TV shows together, and going to eat together; how I missed having someone to tell everything to and being that person for her. I missed doing small day to day things together like grocery shopping and the small jokes we’d have while doing those things. I missed the feeling of being thought of first when something happened or something funny was seen. I missed most about how overly passionate she was.
I wrote a little excerpt wishing her success and happiness and luck in everything she does as if I was saying goodbye and because she deserves that in life.
Then I began remembering the negative things, like how whenever I tried to offer helpful advice and be there for her, she would lash out and get angry at me because it was unwanted and my opinion was not asked for. How I felt like nothing I did was good enough and my very existence wasn’t good enough and she needed to change me, and make me better. I remember being afraid of her because just like my stepdad, I was not sure what would set her off and make her angry. I remembered when I did make a mistake she would get so angry and end up attacking my character and saying hurtful things and no matter how sorry I was, it seemed she did not ever forgive me. I remember wanting to die every time she got angry at me like that because I had such strong feelings for her. I then started a list of the reasons why it wouldn’t have worked. She would stop listening to any reason when she got angry and lashed out hurting others. She just wouldn’t forgive others when they wronged her. She didn’t get along with some of my friends and had a few fights with them, pushing them away. A few of her habits were something that I couldn’t tolerate because of my own past experiences and traumas. I also added a few other private notes of feeling used and dealing with her wrath that all pointed towards us not working out with the way we both were.
Conclusion: I was left with a lot of memories, both good and bad of the person, and they occupied a lot of my thoughts afterward. I feared that this second part did not help me but made me miss the person again although I’m hoping it’s just the memories that needed to be processed, processing. We will see what happens in the following days.
Day 1: Last night I had trouble sleeping because I couldn’t stop thinking about everything that we went through and everything that we did together. I felt sad and I felt hurt and my mind would not slow down. When I woke up I felt a bit better but there was still a sadness inside that was eating away at me. Throughout the day I had thoughts about her however when I was feeling that sense of longing, I reminded myself of all the things that made a relationship unlikely with her which was reassuring that there were reasons it didn’t work out.
Day 2: Throughout the day, whenever I thought of her, I still had a pang of pain in my heart however she messaged me today and I had no sad or bad feelings, it was just a normal interaction I would have had with a friend. Perhaps my logic is all caught up but my heart still has some lingering emotions attached to it.
Day 3: I’ve realized that I haven’t thought about her as much as I used to but I’m not sure if I can attribute that to this experiment or enough time passing to start getting over her.
Day 4: I had a dream about her last night. The dream was of me still having feelings of longing for her, but in the dream we talked and she told me that we just had different personality characteristics that clashed and we would end up driving each other insane. When I woke up I could accept that answer because it was true.
Day 5: I stopped feeling a sense of longing for her and I could think clear and unhindered thoughts without feeling sadness. She also messaged me and wanted to hang out soon. I agreed to see her so that will be the test of my feelings.
Day: 8: I went out with her again after completing this experiment and having some time pass. I was very anxious before going to see her however once we met up, things were good. I didn’t have any heart pangs or longing. We were able to have good conversation and able to have a fun night and afterwards I didn’t have any hurt feelings or heartache.
Finale: The first part of this experiment proved the most beneficial however I believe the second part was also important in order to process all the other little things that were going on with my emotions. I’m happy to say that I feel like this experiment was a success for me. I’d like to try and replicate this success with others going through similar issues however I worry that the mental state of others would not react the same. If they are willing to try, I would love to record the results.