Sadness is a beast that can easily consume you if you allow it…
I’ve always felt a sadness inside of myself. I hid it by portraying myself as someone that was cheery and lighthearted for most of my life, but deep down I was in pain. I don’t know the cause of it, perhaps loneliness inside my heart, perhaps my negative self image and lack of self confidence, perhaps it was a feeling of uselessness and self loathing or perhaps just a chemical imbalance or maybe it was a combination of some or all of these things or something entirely different, I don’t know, all I knew was that I had a sadness deep down inside of me.
My life had had it’s ups and downs, I had loved and lost, I had felt purpose, I had helped many others and I even felt like I had saved some lives. I lived and I had no regrets.
Leading up to the winter, I was jobless even though I trying my best to find something, things were not going very well with the princess I was with at the time, and things were not going well at home. My stepdad had begun to drink and make snide remarks about how ‘lazy’ I was while making mentally abusive comments to my mother. After a while this escalated and he would yell and call my mother and I names and remind us of how useless we were… Funny what goes on behind closed doors. My princess and I had broken up and my heart was broken. I had no luck finding any jobs and I was starting to fall into a good amount of debt. And worst of all, I started to believe my stepdad was right, I was completely useless. “What was the point?”
I gave up…
I made a decision, the only regret I have in this life, the decision that I was going to end it. I didn’t want to live anymore.
I was going to spend the last bit of money that I had left on my credit card to enjoy my last little bit of life before I took it and I tremble as I type this because I can recall how set I was on my decision.
I remember I was at a drop-in volleyball center and A few friends and I joined up with a small family and the father and I got to talking. I opened up to him and he told me he might have a job opportunity if I was interested. To be honest I wasn’t that interested because I was already set on what I was going to do, but I guess a part of me was curious, or perhaps a part of me wanted to live on, regardless; I agreed to meet him in a few days to talk…
The night I left to meet this father, it had just snowed with freezing rain falling the night before. Roads were slippery and my car was rear wheel drive with not much traction at the best of times. It happened about two blocks away from my house, I was behind an SUV when the driver suddenly slammed on their brakes. I quickly hit mine but I got literally no traction… I was sliding out of control and was veering into the oncoming traffic lane. I can remember the scene: A blue caravan parked on the right of the road, the brake lights of the SUV, but most of all I remember the headlights and front end of the red caravan heading directly towards me.
In the last moment before impact, I remember that it was so quiet I could hear myself think one last thought, “Good, I wanted this.”
I came to with my airbags deployed and my face feeling like it was broken… but I came to, and I was still alive. I remember moving my legs and arms to make sure they were there and functional then finding my cell phone which got launched to the ground and calling emergency services. I had to kick my door open as I fell out of my car onto the street, got up and stumbled toward the other vehicle to make sure they were alright. I heard screaming from the other vehicle and I felt dread as I approached. I saw a mother holding her screaming child telling her everything was alright and to calm down. I requested an ambulance for the other driver whom said his back was in pain. After letting them know that the ambulance was on the way, I went to the sidewalk, sat down on the snowy cement and I cried. I cried from happiness that the other family was alright, and I cried because I was happy I was still alive.
Looking back, I think I died that day. Much like how motivational speakers preach about the caterpillar dying and being reborn as a butterfly, I think I died the day I crashed and I was reborn wanting to live for the first time. My life still had many complications that I was going to need to figure out, but I wanted to figure them out because I believed that there was something better for me.
For anyone who does struggle with depression or suicide, my only thoughts are that it does get better, but you have to stop being consumed by the sadness. It is tough, but there are people out there that can help. I wish I had spoken to someone, perhaps they would have been able to help and I wouldn’t have spiraled into the situation that I put myself in, where I felt so backed into a corner that I had no way out. I was lucky, and my life goes on and I can truly say that I enjoy every bit of it including the hardship and adversity now. The challenges in life are what make it interesting and help to build you and mold you into something stronger and I now feel like there is no challenge that is insurmountable.
Sadness is a beast that can consume you, but if you starve it, life continues toward bigger and better things.