I’m not sure when it came about, but at some point I developed a voice inside of my consciousness. This voice isn’t just some random thing in my head, I know it is driven by my own thoughts; all the negative and self loathing thoughts I’ve ever had have created this demon within.
Whenever I think back to times that I have felt depressed and self conscious, I can remember this voice being there, telling me I’m not good enough, telling me I will never make it, and telling me that I shouldn’t even bother. It has crippled me, to an extent that is still unknown to me as I still have yet to explore that topic in my journey of self discovery. This voice has held me back and I didn’t know how to fight it.
I let this voice dominate my own view of myself; It told me I wasn’t good enough and I never was, at least not to my own self and it really drove me into my depression. It wasn’t until I had my crash that the voice seemed to be silent and gave me a moment of peace. I was only focused on life immediately following my crash, the life that I still clung onto, the life that I was close to losing. I focused on my life and I started this journey in the voice’s absence and I’ve grown so immensely I had completely forgotten about the voice… until it returned
I had been talking to someone close to my heart and I had ended up causing that someone some unintentional pain with some unmindful words. My heart felt wrenched from causing this pain and I felt awful, and then the voice returned “Everything you touch, you hurt…” The voice…my own conscious…my inner demon, it was able to speak again, and I was overcome with a sense of terror. I felt myself begin to regress to a former state as some tears began to well in my eyes, but I stopped…I stopped and thought about what the voice just said to me. “Everything I touch, I hurt?” It’s true I hurt someone, and yes I felt truly awful about it, but how dare that voice tell me that. I spend so much time trying to heal the hurt in others and some part of my brain is going to tell me that I hurt everything I touch? Wrong… I challenged the voice in my own head that put me down. I called it out for what it said and although it wasn’t completely false, it certainly wasn’t true. I challenged the voice and I discovered the voice was a coward that had no answers when it was put in the spotlight.
I was able to confront one of my inner demons and find a way to defeat it which feels like a huge milestone in my self development. Everyday I feel like I am faced with new challenges and knowing who I am and knowing I have my own self beside me has been getting me through each and every obstacle in my way, even ones from my past that I never thought I would be able to overcome. The voice has been silenced.