The Voice

I’m not sure when it came about, but at some point I developed a voice inside of my consciousness. This voice isn’t just some random thing in my head, I know it is driven by my own thoughts; all the negative and self loathing thoughts I’ve ever had have created this demon within.

Whenever I think back to times that I have felt depressed and self conscious, I can remember this voice being there, telling me I’m not good enough, telling me I will never make it, and telling me that I shouldn’t even bother. It has crippled me, to an extent that is still unknown to me as I still have yet to explore that topic in my journey of self discovery. This voice has held me back and I didn’t know how to fight it.

I let this voice dominate my own view of myself; It told me I wasn’t good enough and I never was, at least not to my own self and it really drove me into my depression. It wasn’t until I had my crash that the voice seemed to be silent and gave me a moment of peace. I was only focused on life immediately following my crash, the life that I still clung onto, the life that I was close to losing. I focused on my life and I started this journey in the voice’s absence and I’ve grown so immensely I had completely forgotten about the voice… until it returned

I had been talking to someone close to my heart and I had ended up causing that someone some unintentional pain with some unmindful words. My heart felt wrenched from causing this pain and I felt awful, and then the voice returned “Everything you touch, you hurt…” The voice…my own conscious…my inner demon, it was able to speak again, and I was overcome with a sense of terror. I felt myself begin to regress to a former state as some tears began to well in my eyes, but I stopped…I stopped and thought about what the voice just said to me. “Everything I touch, I hurt?” It’s true I hurt someone, and yes I felt truly awful about it, but how dare that voice tell me that. I spend so much time trying to heal the hurt in others and some part of my brain is going to tell me that I hurt everything I touch? Wrong… I challenged the voice in my own head that put me down. I called it out for what it said and although it wasn’t completely false, it certainly wasn’t true. I challenged the voice and I discovered the voice was a coward that had no answers when it was put in the spotlight.

I was able to confront one of my inner demons and find a way to defeat it which feels like a huge milestone in my self development. Everyday I feel like I am faced with new challenges and knowing who I am and knowing I have my own self beside me has been getting me through each and every obstacle in my way, even ones from my past that I never thought I would be able to overcome. The voice has been silenced.

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2 thoughts on “The Voice”

  1. Well done D, the voice may not be the negative thing you think it is. The only thing we can hear sometimes is the negative maybe the voice that we did not listen to was a whisper. Remember there are two voices always and it’s the one we feed is the one we here. I have seen the real you so sit in silence and listen for the whisper my friend.
    Steve

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Stay strong, friend. Depression is very black and white and sometimes it’s hard to see the grey. But remember that you’re more than the black cloud, and you can outrun it.

    Like

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