I’ve never truly been alone, in the sense that no one was there to support me or have my back or even give me a hug when I needed one however for some reason I’ve always felt lonely. I’ve always felt like there was an absence in my heart; a void that was never quite filled; a piece that was missing and I had always felt like that, unless I had a significant other in my life. This was because I believed the opposite of loneliness was love and the only way to fill that absence was with someone else.
I’m sure that for some people love is their answer for loneliness and having each other makes life complete, however for me and from what I’ve experienced, even though that void was filled when my significant other was there, when they were absent, that hole ended up bigger than ever and the piece that was missing from the puzzle made it unrecognizable. Loneliness from that absence in your heart hurts, but to feel that loneliness when you’re with someone because that void still exists can be unbearable.
It truly made me wonder; if I had the love of another and still felt that loneliness inside of me, then what exactly is that absence that exists in my heart? That void that I recognize as loneliness?
It was only until I started taking this journey of self discovery that I recognize what that loneliness is. Loneliness and the missing piece that exists, is a lack of friendship and understanding that you have with your own self. Throughout this journey, I’m getting to know who I am, and learning how to respect and love the person that I see in the mirror and it honestly feels like there is a presence within myself, a presence that is filling the absence in my heart, filling that void and becoming the missing piece. By becoming friends with my own self and loving who that person is I’m starting to feel whole.
The opposite of loneliness is still love, not love in the sense that I used to think, but love of one’s self and the friendship that one forms with one’s self.
This has changed what love with another is to me… I had always believed that I needed the love of another in order to be whole and that my own love could make others whole, so I loved as much and as often as I could regardless of how much it hurt me and regardless of whether I was loved back. I was trying to fill the void that was in others… the void that I felt so often in myself and hoped that eventually someone would complete me. This just led to my heart being broken and making that hole even larger every time.
Eventually the hole was becoming too large and I was tired of loving for the sake of others. I was becoming jaded and started feeling hatred for the world. My heart felt fragile and I needed to protect it. And so I was left with a large absence in my heart, and an increasing distrust of love for anyone… Until I began this journey and realized that when people said that you need to love yourself, it was about actually getting to know your own qualities and truly understanding and loving your own self.
I no longer want to love another because it fills a hole that exists in myself or anyone else because of loneliness. I want to love another because loving someone else is a bond that has nothing to do with being lonely, it’s sharing the friend that you have made with yourself with that special someone that you cherish.