Fragile

I was driving in my car to play soccer with a friend listening to the music on his phone and a song came on that I was particularly interested in; fragile. I had been recovering from a minor heart hiccup from someone I had been interested in and nothing in my life seemed to be going in the right direction. I was feeling vulnerable and left a little broken up by my life and the uncertainty of where it was headed. I was nearing bankruptcy with no job and in quite a bit of debt with no assets to show for it. … In all sense of the word, I felt fragile, like I was about to break. After hearing this song, I started on a Youtube journey and started listening to some gangster hip-hop music which transformed some of my feelings of fragility into feelings of anger, but more-so feelings of frustration.

Life really doesn’t owe you anything, I got that, but I didn’t really owe life anything either, I know you get back what you put out and doing nothing meant I was getting nowhere, feeling broken and sorry for myself wasn’t getting me out of the situation I was in but I was frustrated and didn’t know what to do.

Luckily I ended up reconnecting with an old friend who got me a part time job in retail with him which wasn’t quite getting me away from bankruptcy but it was slowing it down. Plus it gave my something to focus on, and started to make me feel like I mattered again, like I wasn’t a broken shell of a human, like I had some purpose, even if was just to sell something I didn’t care about to people that treated me like crap; I had a use and I wouldn’t break so easily.

Lucky for me again, I caught a few breaks thanks to one of my closest friends. He had always been looking out for me to find a job and there was an opening. He ended up recommending me for the position, I had an interview and I was hired! Not only was I hired for that job but I also had an interview for another job that was through him, and I ended up getting hired there as well which is where I currently work.

I finally had a job I could call a career and felt stable, like things were ok and I wasn’t on the verge of breaking, but why had I been afraid and so frustrated by my own fragility? Looking back with some perspective, I can see that it was frustrating because I felt like I didn’t have control over my life and I was afraid of where it was going. I was afraid to be fragile, afraid to break at any moment at the weight of the uncertainty of my life which is a valid reason to be afraid.

So I’m fragile and I feel like when things get too difficult I am going to break, and honestly who doesn’t feel like that when the world is crashing around you? The thing that I need to start learning though, is that I shouldn’t get frustrated and suffer because I’m breakable, I should seek help if I need it. Don’t endure something alone when you think it’s going to break you. I’m fortunate enough to have a great group of friends that I can go to if I need help but even if I didn’t have them, there are people out there that can help in the most fragile of moments; we just have to be willing to look and accept that we are fragile.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s