Ever since I hit puberty, I’ve never felt like I was an attractive person. I’ve never felt like anyone has ever looked at me and labelled me as ‘cute’ or ‘good-looking’. My mom always used to apologise for the bad skin and nose that I inherited from the family, and honestly I hated the way I looked and have always lacked confidence because of it. The following is a story that really set me on a self-loathsome course and truly made me hate the way I looked and I carried that with me for many years and it probably wasn’t until I was in my mid 20’s that I was finally able to move past this moment.
When I was around the age of 14, I had gotten onto a bus making my way home from my junior high school. Usually it gets quite full but on this day I was lucky enough to get a seat next to the window with no one sitting next to me. At the next stop as I leaned against the window with my eyes closed, trying to avoid any and all people, a bunch of people got on and a girl around the same age, maybe a bit older, called out to get my attention, “Hey”. I looked over to her expecting her to ask if she could take a seat next to me like most people would, she instead, decided to deal me an emotional wound that has taken a long time to heal and a scar that might never heal completely; She told me that I was ugly…”You’re ugly”… She repeated it to me to make sure I heard it and that let the gravity of it sink in… In that moment, all I could manage was to shake my head, lean it back on the window and close my eyes while I shattered on the inside. Some random girl on this bus, someone I had never met before, and will probably never see again, decided that it was important to get my attention just to notify me that I was ugly.
I know they say kids can be cruel and they say things without thinking, but regardless, this moment destroyed me. I had already always seen myself as someone who wasn’t very attractive but it felt like this girl had just confirmed that society also saw me that way. After that day I viewed myself as an eyesore, I even ended up growing my hair out for the next couple years for the sole reason of hiding my face from the world. This memory; this moment, I tried to bury it deep so I would never feel like that again but that feeling has been seeping out in small doses from where I buried it for many years. It wasn’t until I started this journey that I could unbury it and start to get over it.
Being ugly does not translate to being unattractive. Yes it means I’m not going to be eye candy for anyone, and I’ll probably never feel 100% confident but I have learned an important ability, I’ve learned how to glimpse past a person’s looks and see a person for their soul and I’d much rather be attracted to someone for their soul rather than what they look like. I’m sure there are others that feel that way too and I feel that my soul is beautiful on the inside even if I’m not on the outside which doesn’t make me unattractive at all.